So here I am, up again. I did go to bed. I did fall asleep. Then I woke up. Hour and a half isn’t going to cut it.
My room mate is sleeping peacefully away. lol I envy him. When he goes to sleep he is down in seconds. I know this because before he got his sleep apnea machine he would snore within seconds of his head hitting the pillow. And he looks to be enjoying it, thoroughly. Big blankets and pillows all snuggled in, snorfling and shuffling.. and buried in there. You can hear him smiling. Content.
I tend to sleep best when I’m not supposed to. Daytime… when I’m to be somewhere. lol Generally the most I sleep at one time is three to four hours…if I’m lucky. That’s considered a great sleep. Sometimes if I tell myself not to sleep – that’s when I sleep.
And why can’t I sleep? Thoughts…. running through my head, cycling around and around… nothing thoughts. I’ve tried thinking one thing only… because you can only think one thing at a time. If I pick a word or thought and concentrate (like OM, or sheep)…. I find myself back in a loop later, my mind slips my grasp and heads right back into random nothing thoughts that won’t stop…. and sometimes I’m at the corner of walk and don’t walk and some small thing jars me awake. A thought. A noise. An imagined noise. lol Being uncomfortable? I think I’m ok then suddenly feel I have to move. Or that something is crawling on me… or or or… I’m yawning, I know I’m tired. So where is my sleep? I’ve even tried pills, and yes they knock me out but good…for at least two hours. Ha. Even if I’m completely pooped. Physically and mentally. The only time I’ve slept hard, fast and long is when I’ve been drinking. Do I have to have a nip every night in order to sleep??? Lordy.
I figure it’s deeper…it’s probably part of PTSD – but knowing that… shouldn’t there be a way to stop it? lol It’s like anything, once you know the roots of the issue and work through them… things *should* go back to normal – that’s what I think. I’d be wrong. That’ll teach me to think. lol
Maybe it’s because I’ve always loved to be up at night. When the world is sleeping. Hearing the quiet. I used to work nights and loved it. I would sleep in the day, shop at night, bike at night… but you get to missing folks when you do that for a long time.
I guess I’ll go try again. Wish me luck.