According to me…..

Posts tagged ‘Relationships’

Expectations


Expectations, we all have them.

We expect that folks will treat us the way we treat them.  We expect that folks will be decent, honest, kind…  we expect what we expect because we think others see the world as we do.  lol  But they don’t.  We all grow up and experience life in our own way… things happen to us, or around us and by watching our care givers we learn how to act, react or cope.  Each of us learns many different coping mechanisms, each determined by the degree of coping we need to do.  If you grow up in a home where folks all reach for the bottle when things get tough, then you may learn that this is how to cope.  If you live in a situation where people around you sit and discuss what they feel, this is what you learn.  We may learn new ways to deal with life as we grow older – we may be shown or we may read it somewhere, but we basically start out with what others have programmed us to know.

When someone you know *let’s you down* you are only let down by your own expectations.  You expect them to behave the way you would… it only makes sense, right?  Wrong.  lol  It’s right for YOU.  The way someone else copes will be different from the way you cope, but that neither makes it wrong, nor right…it makes it how they deal.  Because you don’t see it as the right way, doesn’t mean it isn’t the right way for them.  If they behave in a way that you would not, it’s not personal.  It’s their skills in coping and reacting…

No one is you.  No one went on your path and learned what you have and they won’t behave how you expect them to.  lol  They will behave as themselves.

Now… if you feel let down by their actions or words, or lack thereof… you have a choice.  People are who they are, and for a large part they will not change because you wish it so… your choice is this.  You either accept that they are not you and you accept them for who they are, or you decide that their behaviour is so far different, unacceptable and unhealthy for you that you cannot have them in your life… or you can, but in varying degrees.  There are friends you confide in and there are friends you simply say hi to, and pass the time with small chit chat.  If you know that someone you are talking to is incapable of being responsive to you in any way you find healthy, then why would you confide in them and expect miracles?  Everyone in our lives provides us with something.  No one person can give us all we need.  This is why we have a partner, and friends… if you can discern which ones are *bedroom* friends, which are *living room* friends and which are simply acquaintances then perhaps your life will be clearer.  lol

To a certain point… if you allow someone to behave in a way that hurts you, or is unhealthy for you – if you allow it over and over… you are telling them that it is ok to do this.  You are saying, yes, please continue – I don’t mind that I’m hurting, confiding in you and you are talking about the ceiling and the fact that it needs some painting.  lol

Start out as  you mean to continue…. if you allow someone to treat you like dirt, they will.  If you let people know that they have crossed a boundary, or that what they are saying / doing is unacceptable… then they know.  And if they repeat it – you have a choice.  But don’t allow it, stand up for yourself.  You’ll find the experience truly empowering…. People will often tell you who they are if you just listen.  Don’t expect to change them.  You are responsible only for you and changing you for your better… you cannot and will not control another person’s actions, nor is it your right to do this.  While you think you are fixing someone else you are depriving them of the right to learn for themselves.

It’s a daily struggle and I must be diligent in my efforts, but there are things worth learning and practicing in life.  In order to be happy, we all need a little trust and a little less expectation – of others.  lol

I feel the same way about guilt.  When someone tries to lay a guilt trip on you it is normally a manipulative tool to make you react a specific way for their sake.  You have a choice… take it on and react, or let them have it… it’s normally an issue they need to deal with – but it’s your choice.  I normally just say *sorry you feel that way, I hope you find what you need* and leave them to it. lol  It took a long time to unlearn some of the unhealthy behaviours, thoughts, attitudes I grew up with – but I’m working on it!  😉

Oh my, this HAS turned into quite a ramble.

I expect that if you made it this far, you might expect something earth shattering as a closing!!  lol  You’d be wrong!  😛  lol

Have a marvelous day!



Trust


So hard to build up – to earn or give…and so easily ruined.  One short moment in time, one little misstep.

A friend of mine (David) posted this today and it’s so good. lol  I had to share it!

Many of us have a hard time trusting others due to experience.

David says that when he is asked *why it is so hard for him to trust*, he asks *why is it so hard to keep a promise?*

I agree.  I was once told – *start out as you mean to continue*… so apt.  Don’t promise what you can’t stick to.  Your word is all you have.  You get one true chance to prove you are trustworthy – because after that?  There will always be that little niggle of doubt.  That twinge of guilt, or hurt.  A relationship – of any kind – destroyed.

Trust is the very foundation of what a relationship requires…once gone, it cannot be replaced.  You cannot UNDO or UNSAY or UNSEE … so don’t cross that line.  Unless you mean it.

When It’s Over?


It’s freakin’ over!!!!

lol

Warning!  Personal rant to take place now. lol

Why do people think that once a *relationship* of ANY type is over they can still babble at you?  Text, email, call, you name it – so many ways to reach a person now… in the middle of the night, in the middle of the day… interrupting your existence.  Once you make it clear that it’s over… that means done!  I don’t want to hear from you again, right?  Well, you’d think so.  But no…. it has been my experience that folks think *it’s over* means please keep talking AT me.  And it IS AT me because I no longer hear you. When you say to me, *let’s talk* I hear *let me convince you*.  If I see no future in a situation – and I call it done… then it’s done.  What is the point of continuing if there is no future to speak of?  Nothing good for either to be gained?  That’s just hurting both parties, dragging out the inevitable.  I do know, after all, what’s best for me.  Not for you…but for me, absolutely – and I know what’s NOT good for me.  Sometimes a friendship can be maintained… and sometimes it cannot until many years have gone by.  Until the resentment, anger, or whatever has faded so far that it no longer bothers your soul.  It no longer disrupts your sanity. It no longer knots up your insides and corrupts your happiness.  At a time when you are able to be strong and I guess, indifferent.  So what makes that person feel they have the right to your energy after you say Done.  They have no right to your time, your energy – your thoughts… they are no longer an important, integral part of your existence…. yet they persevere.  They don’t like to think that you can so completely put them away?  I guess everyone likes to think that the other person misses them… well, sometimes they are so unhealthy all you feel is relief to have them far away.  They should know that…and move on.  Even if you take the time to talk.. as they wish, because you think it’s only *fair*… after what you *had*.  lol  It doesn’t end there. It encourages MORE talk, more convincing and sweet talking and trying to find ways to make it right… it gets old…

Buckle up.  Have some self respect.  It’s not the end of the world… there are many, many people out there that would enjoy your company.  I must have liked or loved parts of you – you aren’t all bad.  Just because we can’t work it out, doesn’t mean the end.  So dramatic.  I’d rather be alone than live unhappy with someone and be false in saying I was happy.

Know when it’s done and move along.  Yes, it’s hard, and I sound like a bitch… but at least I don’t string people along with falsities.  I can’t do two faced…and I won’t.  Honesty hurts, but not nearly as much as if I lied and said I still wanted to maintain contact when I didn’t.

Ok, rant over. lol  I don’t know that I like to put this out there… in the world wide web…. but I had to get it out..and this is MY blog. lol  So here it is.

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