Was there ever a time… did you ever?
As a young girl I believed in magick. I mean – rainbows and unicorns and magick. Forces beyond what we are taught to trust.
Not like the kind I believe in now. Now, it’s tempered with knowledge of the world. It’s interrupted with information from outside. It’s diluted and corrupted. I am Wiccan and strongly believe in karma. I know that what I put out into the world I get back, threefold. I understand that we are all connected, all one. I get that energy is neither created nor destroyed… so I believe in reincarnation. It’s a real mishmash of thoughts and beliefs. lol But they’re mine.
Now… as a child I had a wonder in my heart. It was a wonder that told me there was real magick afoot. I trusted in it. I believe we could fly. I recall finding a wooded area once. I was very unhappy where I lived (physically and mentally) and wandered off one day – I found myself in a place. I spent the afternoon there. I recall thinking that I was in some special safe place. I never found it again afterward. I used to dream in rainbows and unicorns. They say that your spiritual animal can come to you in dreams and I read that unicorns exist in the *in-between* place…between dream and awakening. I knew it was true. I knew that the unicorn was my animal. This feeling in me that all this existed is like being home sick. I know it’s there… and I know I’ve lost it.
I recall finding the oddest thing once. In my house. No one else was home and under a piece of carpet there was a lump. I investigated. I found a wee bag with these teeny weeny little triangle pieces in it. Metal. I thought it was something. I remember trying to put them together in a way that made sense. I knew it had to be something, like a puzzle. But I guess my parents found it and removed it. I never found them again where I had put them.
I remember walking in the woods and feeling… voices and spiritual. Being one with the world. I had a pretty hard childhood and found solace in odd things. Building forts and running through the woods. Knowing by heart where every footstep had to fall so that I wouldn’t. I was so proud of that. Being able to run through our forest without a trip. Knowing all the bits and parts that made up the forest behind where we *lived*. I was part of that world.
The only other time I ever felt that way was after going through some therapy stuff at 25. I felt I came out of a coma and suddenly life was there. There was music, sunshine, and children laughing and the smell of fresh cut grass and life was all new. I started to see with the fresh eyes of a child. It was magick, I had wonderment in my heart once again…but not the same as when I was a child as it was tainted, tarnished and muted by new knowledge of what the world really held in store. Of what people could really do to you.
I wonder if we weren’t taught what to say, how to think, what to label everything… as children… if we would feel this magick around us?
If I was never told *that is a table*, or * that is orange* – would I have kept my magick names for these items and been free to see them with my young eyes that weren’t told what to see for what they really were?
I’ve seen spirits. They scared me, but as a child I didn’t understand and then there was tv, telling me that spirits were to be a thing of fear.
Would I have reacted differently? Would I have welcomed them rather than run screaming from them? Being ignorant, taught to fear them?
Maybe this is why I hang on to rainbows and unicorns. I have tattoos of both. People think they know what these mean, but they’d be wrong. 🙂 I give them the easy answer. They accept it as they accept the answer to *how are you*…. fine.