According to me…..

Posts tagged ‘pain’

Life seems to have gone crazy…

I haven’t been here in a long time.  I’m still doing all I did before… Only two jobs and one volunteer.  The long distance relationship.. well, it’s busy and painful and beautiful.  It might not end well.   I do love him.  The police tell me they have arrested my dad… I guess he isn’t allowed to leave the country and has to go to court to set a date.  This will take a long time.  I wonder if he will live that long.  Thing is… if he just admitted it… I’d have closure.  I guess … him being charged again, same charge – is a bit of closure.  It’s the world saying ok, we know it happened and the process has begun to make amends.  But no one can make amends for what he did.  No one can fix it.  17 years of abuse… I’ve been living with / through… I kid myself if I think it hasn’t affected my world.  What do I want?  I never wanted jail time for him… just help.. but there is no help for that.  So I don’t know.

I’m living in a warehouse.  I’m probably going to be homeless at some point.  The city says we aren’t allowed to live here.. but I love it here.   My day consists of biking to an apartment to shower… handwashing dishes in cold water, carrying buckets of water up and down.  Of wondering when I’m going to be homeless .. and my cat too.  I wasn’t stable enough to have a pet.. but she was left to me, so I have her and love her.

I’m really shitty with money.  It’s not the end of the month yet and I’m broke. lol

I drink too much.  I think I have to quit.  I’m destroying myself.  I’m destroying my relationships.  I’ve decided to look up Al-anon meetings tomorrow… it’s my first step.  I should be in AA and IA… but one step at a time.

Basically I’m a mess and I don’t even know why I’m writing except to get it out.

It’s been a horrid week… I saw a dog get killed and my friend’s mom died on her birthday and all the rest. I don’t know.

That’s all for now.  Maybe later I can write something more important.


Latest Project – Transgender Day of Remembrance.

~Transgender Month of Remembrance~

I have the day off, I have the day off!    🙂

Well, sort of. lol  I don’t have to physically GO anywhere…. so that to me, is a day off.  🙂

My latest project.  This month, November, is Transgender Month of Remembrance.  The official day this year for the 12th Transgender DAY of Remembrance is November 20th.  It’s a month to think on and remember all those that have died brutally, cruelly because of something they have no control over.  No one would choose to be *the wrong sex*.  No one is born and thinks… *hey, I think I’d like to be the opposite sex than what I was born as, because I want to be ridiculed and beaten and murdered*.  It’s not about being gay, and it’s not about making the *wrong*  life choices, it’s about being born genetically one sex but really feeling you are the other.  Why is this so important to some folks on this planet, that they need to destroy lives, to squash people?  How does it affect their lives, and why does it?  Are they really so weak and easily threatened?  By what?  Another human simply wanting to feel right about themselves?  It’s disgusting that people have to go through this pain and degradation, murder, and that no one is screaming it from the rooftops… alerting the public, stopping it!

This last week I’ve been putting together a video / slide show.  We’ve gathered as many names as we could find, and trust me, there are too many.  In order to add each person to a slide, I did some extra research.  I’ve read about some of the most devastatingly nasty crimes that I’ve ever heard of.  In a world where so much horror is publicized daily…how did these things never make the papers?  The crimes I’ve read about are beyond comprehension.  People are being decapitated.  They are being dismembered.  They get tortured, and are held captive in horrid conditions for days sometimes before being killed in some unmentionable manner.   Gunned down in the streets, without a thought.  Burned, bruised, hurt.  Dumped, unceremoniously in ditches.

I’ve read about a 16 month old boy that was beaten to death by a 20 year old… The 20 year old said that he was trying to make the boy *act more like a boy, and not like a little girl*.

I’ve read about a woman that was held captive in a pit for two days, brutally beaten, abused, and murdered.

And so much more.  Too much more.  It makes me nauseous deep in my soul to be part of the human race, the part that is capable of such evil atrocities.

I had a friend.  Her name was Ericka Fenton.  She was so loved… generous to a fault, and fun.  She always appeared to be happy, even when she had no reason to be.  She was always ready for a dance, in for any party with her many friends…to go with Ericka for the night was to have a time to remember.  Everyone loved her.  But she didn’t know this… or she didn’t know it deeply enough.  She was very often beaten.  I can’t count how many times she was in hospital.  She was once taken down to the bluffs and held hostage.  Beaten and abused by a group of men.  She was pushed down stairs, run over by a bus, everyday was a struggle for her.  She wanted to create a website to try and raise money to get a sex change.  She was all woman, there was nothing male about her.  She struggled with depression and one day she had enough – her love of life was beaten out of her.  She jumped off a bridge and ended her life.  Many people miss her.  At her funeral I met some of her family and I met a whole group of people that were her friends that I’d never imagined or known about… we were her east end friends.  She also had a massive group of west end friends.  They were wonderful people and it was an honor to meet them all and share our love for Ericka.  We all knew that we suffered her loss because the world was harsh and mean to her.  Could we have helped?

This slide show I offered to create for our group, Queer Action Committee (QUAC) at South Riverdale Community Health Centre, was hard work.  It was gruelling and well worth the effort.  I cried many times during the making of this video.  I felt a deep respect for each person I read about, and felt their loss and pain.  I had started out with an 8 minute slide in my mind.  With all the information that was sent to me by the hard working group, the video grew to 200 slides, and it was 15 minutes long.  There were well over 200 people represented.  200 lost people.  200 humans that weren’t loved for who they were, because they were brave enough to try and live a life that made their hearts happy.  A life they were comfortable in.  I could have made the slide show much longer, there was no way to represent all of the people lost, to date.

Shame on us.  Shame on all the monsters that selfishly, cruelly, and callously take away these wonderful, precious people… and shame on the lack of protection from society for these brave and wonderful souls.

o yes, I’m happy to have a day off.  Would I trade the last week for a day off?  No… I have the luxury of having a day off and I can appreciate it, because I know I’m lucky, today.

~~Lost, but never ever forgotten.~~

Transgendered people have two symbols to choose from. The first and most obvious is a merging of the male and female symbols rather than interlocking. By putting both the cross and the arrow on the same ring, it symbolizes the male and female parts inherent in one person. This symbol is the most inclusive of the two and most recognizable. In the simplest sense, it indicates some level of androgyny.

Another symbol though, disregards the Mars and Venus symbols altogether and uses the Mercury symbol. In Greek mythology, Aphrodite (Venus) had a child with Mercury (Hermes). The child was named Hermaphroditus and possessed both male and female genitalia. Thus the origin of the word hermaphrodite. Since Hermaphroditus didn’t have a specific symbol, the symbol for Mercury was borrowed in this instance to represent a transgendered person. Mercury’s symbol has a cross extending down to represent femininity and a crescent moon at the top to represent masculinity. The two are placed at opposite ends of the circle to strike a balance between the male and female parts. This symbol seems to speak more to those trangendered persons who identify hermaphroditically or andgroynously.

This information was gathered from THIS SITE… with many thanks.

OH yes, my body hates me.

It’s official.


Just over three miles and it would like to protest, thank you very much.  I used to be used to this biking business…and my body used to play along.  Sigh…love getting older. lol  The new diet didn’t help.  Had to bail at the side of the road and gobble down some strawberries and a pickle for fear of collapsing.  lol

But I made it…. yay…..


Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru.  She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know.  The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study.  Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman’s progress.  In his hand, he carried a heavy wooden cane.  Each morning, he asked her the same question:  “Have you learned everything there is to know yet?”  Each morning, her answer was the same.  “No,” she said, “I haven’t.”  The guru would then strike her over the head with his cane.

This scenario repeated itself for months.  One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same question, heard the same answer, and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping his assault in midair.
Relieved to end the daily batterings but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru.  To her surprise, the guru smiled.  “Congratulations,” he said, “you have graduated.  You now know everything you need to know.”
“How’s that?” the woman asked.

“You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know,” he replied.  “And you have learned how to stop the pain.”

~Author N/A~

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