According to me…..

Posts tagged ‘love’

Hello…am I still Vanished?

I feel like I’ve vanished.  I feel quiet and I don’t want to talk.  I don’t want to do anything at all.  I can’t seem to speak up loud enough for folks to hear me on the phone.  I don’t want to write.  I don’t care to read.  I most definitely don’t want to speak.  Have I vanished?  I feel vanished… I feel like I’m hiding.  Ha ha…and if I can’t see you, then you can’t see me!

People talk, talk, talk..what are they saying?  How important is it, what they say?  Do they say anything?  Or is it a comfort to themselves to hear themselves… to let them know they have not vanished.  Talking in circles – same topic as last week.  Same dilemma same decisions same same same same.  I know it’s important to them.  I don’t mean to be rude.  While they discuss the price of gas I’m thinking people are starving.  They talk about a spouse not helping out and somewhere, someone is being beaten to death.  A child misbehaving as another child takes up arms.   Their child won’t eat their vegetables, but they have the choice to buy vegetables.  Silly, I know… people aren’t happy.  They drag themselves along, day after day, moving from the box they call home, to the box that takes them to their work box.  Don’t they / we know that life is short?  Life is what you make it, the chances and changes you take and make?  What if you make none.  What if you come here, and go…and when you go – that’s all.

I would scream, but I’ve no energy as I’m vanished.   I will be back… this is just today.

My answer?  It’s funny how life works.  I wrote this and not five minutes later, Sue Dreamwalker came to me… and through her, I found this gem!  Thank you Sue. 🙂


And you see? Another miracle… all in one day. How lucky am I? This is a beautiful world.  Thank you Ravy, and thank you – to the men that made this video.

I am not vanished.  I am found and I’m in love with life, and the people in it.   It didn’t even take a whole day..ask.. all you have to do is put it out there, ask it.

Sensual? Oh Yessssssss!

Kudos go out to Tamara, over at Port of Embarkation for this wonderful find!  Isn’t it glorious?

It’s pure love…passion.  The vivid colors.  Noone else exists, there is hope and vibrancy and passion.. the hand at the curve of the back, the shared touch, and head thrown back…. ah.  Such a wonderful picture!!  Well done Leonid Afremov!  I’m more and more impressed by each find we make of your art!  The world aught to be this way…as it was when we were young and we still believed!

A moment in time when nothing else mattered.

Maybe It’s Time

I’ve been volunteering for the last two years.

I’ve loved every minute.  I’ve grown and learned and it’s been tremendously fulfilling.

I started at a church making meals and feeding folks… I soon realized that this wasn’t what I would ever want to do as a career. I got to a point where I was not learning anything new… of course, I learn something every day, but career-wise. It was a phenomenal stepping stone.. it got me out and meeting humans and being alive again – but it was time.   So I moved on.  I met South Riverdale Community Health Centre – I met Susan B.  I can’t even describe the ways in which I’ve grown and learned since joining this organization.

I have spoken in public – which I NEVER thought I would do.  I’ve even sang. lol  I have learned how to create slideshows, and bulletin boards and worked with groups.  I’ve learned about the issues transgender people face, and women – taking back the night.  I’ve fought for social assistance rates to be raised, and for a transparent method of deciding what these rates aught to be.  I’ve written articles for the newsletter.    To say that I’m busy is an understatement.  But I’ve loved it.  All of it.  I’ve met incredible strong people.

Today I had an interview.  She offered me a job to apply to – I’d be writing.  She offered me training in my preferred field.  And more.

I’m sitting here thinking that maybe it’s time to start doing these things and earning a living at the same time.  Yes, whatever job I get has to mean something to me.  It has to fill my soul…. but I think it’s time to get my act together.  I have a lot of wonderful skills… they’ve shown me this.  I can be useful and fight this fight … but I can do it while earning money.  Suddenly I’m done being a volunteer.  Although, not completely…just as a career. lol  🙂  I love everyone I’ve met and all the things I’ve done.  I just think it’s maybe time to move it or lose it.  Folks have suggested going on ODSP – and while I would totally be a candidate for this, I refuse.  I’m not done.  To my way of thinking it’s like giving up…for me.  Some folks absolutely need it.  I’m not that person.

I see something new on the horizon.  I hope that whatever that is… it allows me to still participate in my first love.

A Post I Love!

I just read this post and KUDOS!!  I love it!!  What a great Mom.  We need more folks like her!

My Son is Gay

Latest Project – Transgender Day of Remembrance.

~Transgender Month of Remembrance~

I have the day off, I have the day off!    🙂

Well, sort of. lol  I don’t have to physically GO anywhere…. so that to me, is a day off.  🙂

My latest project.  This month, November, is Transgender Month of Remembrance.  The official day this year for the 12th Transgender DAY of Remembrance is November 20th.  It’s a month to think on and remember all those that have died brutally, cruelly because of something they have no control over.  No one would choose to be *the wrong sex*.  No one is born and thinks… *hey, I think I’d like to be the opposite sex than what I was born as, because I want to be ridiculed and beaten and murdered*.  It’s not about being gay, and it’s not about making the *wrong*  life choices, it’s about being born genetically one sex but really feeling you are the other.  Why is this so important to some folks on this planet, that they need to destroy lives, to squash people?  How does it affect their lives, and why does it?  Are they really so weak and easily threatened?  By what?  Another human simply wanting to feel right about themselves?  It’s disgusting that people have to go through this pain and degradation, murder, and that no one is screaming it from the rooftops… alerting the public, stopping it!

This last week I’ve been putting together a video / slide show.  We’ve gathered as many names as we could find, and trust me, there are too many.  In order to add each person to a slide, I did some extra research.  I’ve read about some of the most devastatingly nasty crimes that I’ve ever heard of.  In a world where so much horror is publicized daily…how did these things never make the papers?  The crimes I’ve read about are beyond comprehension.  People are being decapitated.  They are being dismembered.  They get tortured, and are held captive in horrid conditions for days sometimes before being killed in some unmentionable manner.   Gunned down in the streets, without a thought.  Burned, bruised, hurt.  Dumped, unceremoniously in ditches.

I’ve read about a 16 month old boy that was beaten to death by a 20 year old… The 20 year old said that he was trying to make the boy *act more like a boy, and not like a little girl*.

I’ve read about a woman that was held captive in a pit for two days, brutally beaten, abused, and murdered.

And so much more.  Too much more.  It makes me nauseous deep in my soul to be part of the human race, the part that is capable of such evil atrocities.

I had a friend.  Her name was Ericka Fenton.  She was so loved… generous to a fault, and fun.  She always appeared to be happy, even when she had no reason to be.  She was always ready for a dance, in for any party with her many friends…to go with Ericka for the night was to have a time to remember.  Everyone loved her.  But she didn’t know this… or she didn’t know it deeply enough.  She was very often beaten.  I can’t count how many times she was in hospital.  She was once taken down to the bluffs and held hostage.  Beaten and abused by a group of men.  She was pushed down stairs, run over by a bus, everyday was a struggle for her.  She wanted to create a website to try and raise money to get a sex change.  She was all woman, there was nothing male about her.  She struggled with depression and one day she had enough – her love of life was beaten out of her.  She jumped off a bridge and ended her life.  Many people miss her.  At her funeral I met some of her family and I met a whole group of people that were her friends that I’d never imagined or known about… we were her east end friends.  She also had a massive group of west end friends.  They were wonderful people and it was an honor to meet them all and share our love for Ericka.  We all knew that we suffered her loss because the world was harsh and mean to her.  Could we have helped?

This slide show I offered to create for our group, Queer Action Committee (QUAC) at South Riverdale Community Health Centre, was hard work.  It was gruelling and well worth the effort.  I cried many times during the making of this video.  I felt a deep respect for each person I read about, and felt their loss and pain.  I had started out with an 8 minute slide in my mind.  With all the information that was sent to me by the hard working group, the video grew to 200 slides, and it was 15 minutes long.  There were well over 200 people represented.  200 lost people.  200 humans that weren’t loved for who they were, because they were brave enough to try and live a life that made their hearts happy.  A life they were comfortable in.  I could have made the slide show much longer, there was no way to represent all of the people lost, to date.

Shame on us.  Shame on all the monsters that selfishly, cruelly, and callously take away these wonderful, precious people… and shame on the lack of protection from society for these brave and wonderful souls.

o yes, I’m happy to have a day off.  Would I trade the last week for a day off?  No… I have the luxury of having a day off and I can appreciate it, because I know I’m lucky, today.

~~Lost, but never ever forgotten.~~

Transgendered people have two symbols to choose from. The first and most obvious is a merging of the male and female symbols rather than interlocking. By putting both the cross and the arrow on the same ring, it symbolizes the male and female parts inherent in one person. This symbol is the most inclusive of the two and most recognizable. In the simplest sense, it indicates some level of androgyny.

Another symbol though, disregards the Mars and Venus symbols altogether and uses the Mercury symbol. In Greek mythology, Aphrodite (Venus) had a child with Mercury (Hermes). The child was named Hermaphroditus and possessed both male and female genitalia. Thus the origin of the word hermaphrodite. Since Hermaphroditus didn’t have a specific symbol, the symbol for Mercury was borrowed in this instance to represent a transgendered person. Mercury’s symbol has a cross extending down to represent femininity and a crescent moon at the top to represent masculinity. The two are placed at opposite ends of the circle to strike a balance between the male and female parts. This symbol seems to speak more to those trangendered persons who identify hermaphroditically or andgroynously.

This information was gathered from THIS SITE… with many thanks.


So odd.

You get accustomed to the fact that they are healthy… that they don’t spend much time in need as they are strong and confident, and happy… doing their thing.  You take it for granted that they are healthy and happy and you go about your life.

Then you get a call or a text, as it would happen.  And after 24 years you hear that your child is having seizures and there is no past of this, and no family history… and you don’t want to cry because you should at least find out what is happening first…so you swallow it down.  You force yourself to be strong.  For them.  For sanity…

And at the end of the day, when you learn they are ok….. you cherish the child more… knowing just how terrified you were all through the experience.  And you cry alone… with relief.  You let the terror and fear go alone.

And isn’t it telling.  Those around you who say they love you… how they handle this.  Suddenly it’s all about them, or your lack of being with them, or your getting help from unexpected people….. and the feelings created by this.  Who is there and who isn’t when the chips are down.  What a day.. the things I’ve learned.

Kaela’s BB Game June 29

Another great win for the BREW JAYS!!!!  I think. lol  Who asks?

Here are some pix!!

Sarah Ashley and her Dad

Sarah Ashley and her Dad


Kaela - telling the team they better keep up with her!! She doesn't want to show them up, two home runs and all! lol

Kaela, Jamie and Saash - Loving!

Kaela, Jamie and Saash - Loving!

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