I feel like I’ve vanished. I feel quiet and I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to do anything at all. I can’t seem to speak up loud enough for folks to hear me on the phone. I don’t want to write. I don’t care to read. I most definitely don’t want to speak. Have I vanished? I feel vanished… I feel like I’m hiding. Ha ha…and if I can’t see you, then you can’t see me!
People talk, talk, talk..what are they saying? How important is it, what they say? Do they say anything? Or is it a comfort to themselves to hear themselves… to let them know they have not vanished. Talking in circles – same topic as last week. Same dilemma same decisions same same same same. I know it’s important to them. I don’t mean to be rude. While they discuss the price of gas I’m thinking people are starving. They talk about a spouse not helping out and somewhere, someone is being beaten to death. A child misbehaving as another child takes up arms. Their child won’t eat their vegetables, but they have the choice to buy vegetables. Silly, I know… people aren’t happy. They drag themselves along, day after day, moving from the box they call home, to the box that takes them to their work box. Don’t they / we know that life is short? Life is what you make it, the chances and changes you take and make? What if you make none. What if you come here, and go…and when you go – that’s all.
I would scream, but I’ve no energy as I’m vanished. I will be back… this is just today.
My answer? It’s funny how life works. I wrote this and not five minutes later, Sue Dreamwalker came to me… and through her, I found this gem! Thank you Sue. 🙂
And you see? Another miracle… all in one day. How lucky am I? This is a beautiful world. Thank you Ravy, and thank you – to the men that made this video.
I am not vanished. I am found and I’m in love with life, and the people in it. It didn’t even take a whole day..ask.. all you have to do is put it out there, ask it.
I’ve been volunteering for the last two years.
I’ve loved every minute. I’ve grown and learned and it’s been tremendously fulfilling.
I started at a church making meals and feeding folks… I soon realized that this wasn’t what I would ever want to do as a career. I got to a point where I was not learning anything new… of course, I learn something every day, but career-wise. It was a phenomenal stepping stone.. it got me out and meeting humans and being alive again – but it was time. So I moved on. I met South Riverdale Community Health Centre – I met Susan B. I can’t even describe the ways in which I’ve grown and learned since joining this organization.
I have spoken in public – which I NEVER thought I would do. I’ve even sang. lol I have learned how to create slideshows, and bulletin boards and worked with groups. I’ve learned about the issues transgender people face, and women – taking back the night. I’ve fought for social assistance rates to be raised, and for a transparent method of deciding what these rates aught to be. I’ve written articles for the newsletter. To say that I’m busy is an understatement. But I’ve loved it. All of it. I’ve met incredible strong people.
Today I had an interview. She offered me a job to apply to – I’d be writing. She offered me training in my preferred field. And more.
I’m sitting here thinking that maybe it’s time to start doing these things and earning a living at the same time. Yes, whatever job I get has to mean something to me. It has to fill my soul…. but I think it’s time to get my act together. I have a lot of wonderful skills… they’ve shown me this. I can be useful and fight this fight … but I can do it while earning money. Suddenly I’m done being a volunteer. Although, not completely…just as a career. lol 🙂 I love everyone I’ve met and all the things I’ve done. I just think it’s maybe time to move it or lose it. Folks have suggested going on ODSP – and while I would totally be a candidate for this, I refuse. I’m not done. To my way of thinking it’s like giving up…for me. Some folks absolutely need it. I’m not that person.
I see something new on the horizon. I hope that whatever that is… it allows me to still participate in my first love.
Tomorrow I meet with South Riverdale, the Health and Strength ACTION group…
Then in the afternoon my daughter. 🙂
And Thursday morning I have a job interview and then it’s off to Earth Day…… Thank goodness there’s nothing on my weekend!!
But I’m looking forward to it. After a couple of days of hanging at home I need the change! 🙂
My S From Kelly Krogman!
I’ve come to a place in my life…it’s called content.
I’m happy with things… I’m ok with what comes next, if anything. I’m happy with status quo. I’m ok. Whatever comes, I will handle, whatever is gone…I can enjoy the memory. I’m starting to get that spark back in my soul. I’m being creative and loving my days. I actually applied for a job I think I’ll love… and that’s been a long time – aside from painting and photography…. but they aren’t full time, predictable money creating jobs. And I’m ok if it doesn’t happen. I’m quite simply ok. I’m happy in my soul.
I’m calm. Everything in my life has taught me something. Everything and everyone – they’ve all mattered. But as in birth and death we are all alone…. it’s not the same as being lonely. I’m not lonely. I’m strong, independent and really quite pleased. So many things make me smile…simple, down to earth things.
I woke up today to a thunderstorm. I love that. I woke up late because of it. I sleep well with storms. And there was no reason to be upset that I was late, because I wasn’t late for anything. I’m enjoying every minute.
Hello life…. I’m here.
Some days, some times…. just like that.
Choices, decisions… sometimes too many. Like chocolate bars or potato chips in a store. Used to be so simple. Now it’s a ten minute ordeal to choose one. Like choices – you get older and they get tougher.
You know what’s right…. and you know what’s wrong. Your head says one thing, your heart another.
To make a choice…so final – no take backs. Not in this game. Can’t undo, unsay, unbe a choice. Not like in hopscotch, or tag, or hide and go seek…. You have to be sure… because the topics are more serious…although… as a kid we thought the choices we had to make were pretty serious, too.
Wow… this article is a little scary.
I went to the PFiB website, and Mike Balkwill had posted a link to a Globe and Mail article. The numbers are awful, staggering and frightening.