According to me…..

Posts tagged ‘children’

No Title here for Unknown Callers.

Trigger warning:  My child within is screaming at me.  DO IT!  My adult self has furrowed brows.

I got a call today – blasted unknown numbers – they never portend anything good.  This one left me a message and asked me to call back.  Some calls should not be answered.  Or should they?

The police wanted me to call them.  I did what any self respecting Google fan would do and I searched their location first.  I found them located in an area I haven’t lived in or near since I was young.  An area I’d sooner forget exists.  I returned the phone call – my stomach churning with dread, a dread that only a call from police can elicit.  I found myself nearly whispering into the phone as if not giving voice to it would make it gone – like a child stepping up to an adult in fear – knowing they are in trouble, but waiting to hear what for.

The officer was gentle with me, thanked me for calling and told me that they were clearing up old files and they’ve come across one from me as the complainant.  I laughed nervously while my mind quickly sorted through years of life and people – unable to grasp onto anything that could possibly be a reason for this call.  She said it was *from about 1980 – and it involved*, she hesitated *your step father*?  I stopped breathing.  She asked me to wait while she collected her files.  *No, no… your father, Peter.*  My lungs let go.  I couldn’t see the forest for all the trees.  This was the last thing I’d have expected – the biggest thing of all.  How did they find me?  My phone isn’t even under my name.

31 years it took them to call.   31 years of me feeling no one cared, and that it all didn’t matter.   When I tried 20 years ago to restart this, no paperwork could be found on it.  I even quoted an officer who had once come to our home.  Officer Lamb… I think.  My mother had strangled me one day, leaving finger marks around my neck – and my dad called the police and told them I was dead.  The officer told my dad he would *dance on his eyebrows* if he ever made a call like that again.  Still, they found nothing.  I felt like I was crazy like it never happened. Today I’m told she has information – right on her desk.

I told my dad that I would hunt him down if I ever found out that he hurt his next three children.  I called his new wife and told her… all she could say was don’t take it to court and I’ll make sure it never happens.  I called the kid’s school and asked them to keep an eye on the kids.  Then I put it behind me, or tried.  I haven’t done a very good job of it.  I’m actually quite a mess and I like to think I hide it.

My earliest memory is from when I was about 7.  The rest is gone from my mind – probably best.  Night after night of *count to ten and come to my room*.  Second after second of trying to squeeze my whole being shut.  Of watching the glowing red numbers on a clock and making everything else vanish.  Days of incessant counting so I wouldn’t think or feel, hiding, wishing I was invisible.  Dreading that knock on the door when I was in the bathroom.  Hearing the vicious fights and knowing they were about me again.  Nights where terror wore his face, days where it wore hers.  The beatings because I was a *slut* at 12, the blood, the fear.  I didn’t even know what a slut was.  The *you are special, my number one, and this is our secret*, and *if you tell they will take me away* kind of sick love/control, and the lies and pain and horror and secrets.  And the deep, deep shame – shame that I was to hold onto for many years to come.  Shame I would later learn stemmed from my body reacting exactly how it should… shame that belonged to him for abusing my trust.

All the craziness.  Cars being driven up walls, comforters cut in two, walls ripped down, knives carving furniture, climbing off roofs to get the police, screaming, homeless, caught in a car in a *compromising position* craziness.  Being fed booze and when I was sick – cough syrup and 222’s… to knock me out for convenience.  Living in family shelters, being made a ward of the court and put in a group home for pregnant teenage girls to keep me away from my parents.  Seeing my friend being raped by him.  My brothers and sister hating me for being crazy – and eventually disowning me.  Being raped and then beaten until I miscarried.  Going to court – getting no closure.  Years of repeating this cycle in one way or another.  All relationships have been just that – one type of abuse or another, cycles and cycles of them as if I’m more comfortable with crazy, as that’s what I knew.

And standing up again, wiping the shit off my knees and my soul.  Getting help, finding dignity, learning to love again – myself and others.  Years of trying to stop hating myself, and of trying to undo 16 years of old tapes they put there… tapes that played in my head and told me I was no good.  And it must be true, look what happened!  It took 16 years for that to be embedded / imprinted on my soul and it has taken much longer to undo.  I’m still trying, and I’m moving forward and trying to be a good person.  I try to do what’s right.  I’m not perfect, but I don’t have to be – I’m doing my best with the tools I have.  I’m right where I should be given the circumstances.

Then today happened.  That damn unknown caller just couldn’t butt out.  I asked for time to think about what I will do. I have until next Thursday.

I know that it’s right to go ahead – morally.  I know that there were others that were hurt and that could be hurt in the future.  I know that there is no help for the sickness that has taken his soul, and that he had no right to do any of the things he did.  I know that if someone else told me they were going through this I would tell them – do it! 

Now I’m 45 – no longer 16.  He has three more grown children.  Children that could possibly know nothing about this.  Am I responsible for ruining their lives if they haven’t been exposed to this yet?  I know it’s still him ruining their lives if this goes forward – it was his actions  – but I do have a choice now as to whether I let it go or pursue it and to pursue it could make it my fault they are hurt now.  Will I get closure from doing this?  Is it closure enough that they finally called?  Acknowledgment?  Validation?  Does it matter what I need?  What if I do nothing and his kids have kids… and so on and so on.

What if what if what if.  Would it be vindictive to go forward with this at this late of a date?  Self pity?  Or is it the right thing to do, the perfectly right course of action given the pain and horror I’ve been living.  Is my closure worth destroying more lives?  In his first marriage there were five of us that were ruined.  If I go on with this, another four people will be hurt.  Is this my concern?  I know he is responsible for it, but it’s in my court, as they say.  How do I know they aren’t already hurt?  What if they hide it like I do, and did?  What if me coming forward gives them the strength to come forward? Or they are horrified.

What will this do to me?  Will it set me back, or give me a sense of justice.  If I decide to go on… do I forewarn the kids?  How will I feel if he goes to jail – he’s 65 and it was over 30 years ago?  But it was 16 years of my life.  I trusted him.  When I tried to take him to court last time the judge asked me what I wanted to see happen.  I said not jail, but I don’t want him to be able to hurt anyone else, ever again.  It’s been so long. 

I was asked today if I had it all behind me, and I said no, no I don’t.  *Then there is your answer*… is it all that simple?

So many questions.  So much to consider.  So heavy on my heart.  Today I found myself standing by a pond, wind blowing – feeling how I used to feel – and thinking of the song Magic Power by Triumph.  I found myself not wanting to talk to anyone.  Not wanting to reach out to those that care.  I found myself wanting to hide again.  I keep going to sleep.  My head hurts, my heart hurts.

The moral of the story?  Unknown callers are evil.

Update:  I intend to go ahead with this.  I cannot turn from it.  After seeking advice from all who love me and from my inner self – it would be very wrong to not go ahead with this.  The choice to not do it would be much harder.  I’ve lived with it this long – I can certainly put up the fight needed to fix it.

Special thanks to my son.  Your letter was phenomenal.  My daughter… thank you for offering to come with me.  You both mean the world to me.  My guy?  Steady as a rock you are.  My friends?  There are no words… thank you all so much for all your support, your wisdom, your hugs – and your ass kickings.  lol  xoxoxox

Another thought that just came to me.  Why don’t I want him to go to jail?  When I hear on the news that someone has hurt a child this way… and they only get five years, I’m thoroughly disgusted.  He’s no different.

Update:  Oct 7, 2018

It’s taken me this long, two years, to make this a public post and update it.

I did go to court.  I did – sort of – have my say.  Lawyers are experts at stopping you from talking.  They tripped me up on addresses and locations.  Given that it was 30 years ago and I was a child… that’s a pretty horrible, cowardly thing to do.  The judge said that he knew “something” had happened but because of my mother not backing me.. and my memory not being cement, he couldn’t say beyond a shadow of a doubt.  At least I tried.  After that, my father turned and laughed at me, mocked me.  I’ll never get that out of my mind.  Did I get closure?  Nope.  I now don’t believe there is such a thing.  There is, however, being a better parent to yourself than they were.  They were pretty piss poor parents.

A Post I Love!

I just read this post and KUDOS!!  I love it!!  What a great Mom.  We need more folks like her!

My Son is Gay

Empty Playground

There is something so sad about an empty playground … add to that fall… and leaves and wind and dark skies. 🙂

So..I got some pix!  lol




So odd.

You get accustomed to the fact that they are healthy… that they don’t spend much time in need as they are strong and confident, and happy… doing their thing.  You take it for granted that they are healthy and happy and you go about your life.

Then you get a call or a text, as it would happen.  And after 24 years you hear that your child is having seizures and there is no past of this, and no family history… and you don’t want to cry because you should at least find out what is happening first…so you swallow it down.  You force yourself to be strong.  For them.  For sanity…

And at the end of the day, when you learn they are ok….. you cherish the child more… knowing just how terrified you were all through the experience.  And you cry alone… with relief.  You let the terror and fear go alone.

And isn’t it telling.  Those around you who say they love you… how they handle this.  Suddenly it’s all about them, or your lack of being with them, or your getting help from unexpected people….. and the feelings created by this.  Who is there and who isn’t when the chips are down.  What a day.. the things I’ve learned.

Pedophiles on Google.


They think that by putting this on Google that children will be safer.  What they are proposing is that folks can search their own neighborhood to see how many pedophiles are around them… roughly.  It won’t show exact locations…just the number of them in an area.  This is to be used for strictly pedophiles, and not folks with sex crimes – or other crimes.  They are proposing this in London this week… Err…maybe Ontario – could be England, I didn’t catch that part.

And what will that do to the value of your property.  I’m not saying put this above child safety, but it is a real concern.  People work their whole lives and pay mortgages….they build their futures in their homes.

And are you going to be less inclined to move where there are more dots?  Will you feel safer in an area void of dots?  Why?

First of all… these people DO own cars, and they can walk, bike, bus…. they don’t stay in one place… they aren’t chained to their homes.  And really…. criminals tend to go elsewhere to commit their crimes…they don’t *shit in their own back yard* so to speak.

And…consider this… they too, have computers.  Can’t they use it for their own planning?  If there are no dots and you feel safer, they will see that there are no dots and they could, theoretically, go there for that reason.

They don’t have labels on their foreheads either… are you going to look at your neighbor differently?  Are we not just creating paranoid, suspicious attitudes?

Are people going to be any more strict with their children and teaching safety issues because there are 12 dots / offenders in their area?  Or perhaps more lenient because there’s only one?  Really?  No… they aren’t.  People should be teaching their children to be streetwise, regardless!!  Parents have to watch them every second no matter how many little dots are going to show up on Google.

What about the ones that just haven’t been caught?  You can’t use Google to predict who will perpetrate this crime…

or who has and is still free!

Another point a friend just brought to my attention (thanks Michelle!!) …how often do they update these types of sites?  We are going to look at the same results for how many years??

What about our laws?  Supposedly… if you do the crime, you do the time… you are free of it.  Now…it’s well known that pedophiles cannot be rehabilitated, and they are extremely likely to re-offend.  So why not harsher sentences?  Keep them off the street.  What right does anyone have to keep an eye on them after they’ve done time?  Here, I am obviously just playing devil’s advocate… of course we all want to know where they are and that they are not going to repeat their actions.  We all want our children to be safe… but seriously, if these are the laws, what right do we have to peep on them?  The laws have to change.  I guess I’m asking why we have these laws that are so obviously lacking in common sense.

We need to change laws and make it so that people are safe – not put little dots on Google so that someone can say that’s their claim to fame, that they proposed this and now folks are smarter…more educated.  Horse pucky.  Ludicrous.

The ONLY good thing that this is going to do is raise awareness, but why do it in such an inane, and useless format?  Surely there are clearer, more effective methods!!


My friend Soda suggested I play with some of my photos. lol

She would like to see some made black and white… to which I’m more than ready to attempt!  I love black and white photography!  I normally don’t mess with pictures.  They remain as they are taken… but for Soda, I’m going to play. lol  I’ve cropped some and made some black and white or sepia. 😉

Here goes!!

Innocence… Love It!

I seem to be having a lot of luck in getting pix of small humans, in various positions and stages of laughter!!!  How wonderful is that?

lol  At Kaela’s last baseball game… last night… I got pix of some really sweet young humans… and they were cavorting and making faces, blowing bubbles… and laughing… (sorry, no pix of the bubbles AGAIN… as I held the gooey container!  lol )

Ok, so not all of them were little. lol

Ok, so not all of them were little. lol

This little girl just loves my daughter to bits!  They are holy terrors together!  It’s delightful!  Playful and how kids should get to be!

Life as a Ham!  lol

Life as a Ham! lol

Hamming it up with a Pal!!

Hamming it up with a Pal!!

Hamming it up with a Pal 2!!

Hamming it up with a Pal 2!!

Hamming it up with a Pal 3!!

Hamming it up with a Pal 3!!

Again, not all of them were small humans. lol

Again, not all of them were small humans. lol

There were so many great pix, and even more kids…. but I’ll stop here. lol  Not sure how many you can put on a post!  🙂  But you get the idea!

Tiny Little Drummer Boys

These kids are so incredibly talented!  They would probably disagree and say they are just having fun.  Some things come naturally to people.

Have a wee boo – you won’t be disappointed!

Watch Howard’s face, so adorable..and the lights on his hat. lol

Howard Drum Show

Jonah Rocks – System of a Down cover.

Dreams – Nightmares.

Today I had a nap – only one hour… my dream was horrendous.  I always have nightmares, but this was bad…worth comment.

On a beach – and there are these huge, and I mean huge apes.  I’m talking King Kong sized, which should be funny….I can see one in the hills coming forward, and then I see another down further… they are heading towards one another.  I’m kind of in the middle.

Everyone is running because there is suddenly another coming – and it’s twice the size of both of the others.  And you know how hard it is to run on sand… and in that dreamy slow, molasis  quality of nightmares…. we’re all running and some folks decided to run down this huge hill toward the water.  It’s full of twigs and branches from small brambly type bushes… I was going to hide behind a tree but decided they like trees and that’s probably not great.   So I’m running down the hill – but I figure so long as I’m getting help in my downward momentum – I might as well go sideways as well…. get further faster.  I know that going in the water is a no go.  I don’t know how long I’ll have to be in there… and it’s cold, and it’s night.  So along the beach it is.  Then three semi’s… (I know… but it’s my dream. lol ) come screaming in toward the beach area from the water…. all together – in an arc – side by side… they nearly hit me…  They were driving on longs on the water?  Pfft.  The back doors of the trucks drop open and there are children inside with toys and what looks like little playgrounds.  And for a minute I’m thinking, what is going on?  And it’s a happy thing – kids!!! (No accounting for the changes in dreams!)  Wow… where did they come from?

I look over to one that’s jumped off a truck, he’s a little older than the others, and he’s carrying nunchucks.  Then it hits me… it’s a weapon, why does he have a weapon?  I ask him where they came from.  I get no answer.  Then I realize..and ask – are you here to fight this thing?  And as he is practicing, he nods yes absentmindedly… I completely collapsed.  Realizing all at once that they were sent as prey… to feed these monsters, to keep them busy… expendable.  (I don’t know how I know this…. it was a dream.  Gah)  My entire body burst out in tears.  I woke up bawling and in pain… my throat and neck area… and crying like someone had died.

Now how bad does that dream suck? lol  Pfft.  Maybe it’s how I feel about some of the issues I fight about… helpless?

Or maybe I shouldn’t eat before a nap. lol

Pit Bulls.

Ok, I’m an animal lover.  I think that they are spectacular.  Just like having all the different races, religions, sects… everyone, all of us.  We, together make life wonderful – every living being has it’s place.  I used to say that I didn’t see color in people.  I loved who I loved without abandon and with my heart for who they were.. but I’ve realized ( a few years ago) that this attitude is just as bad as being racist, sexist, ageist…whatever.  BECAUSE… lol….people from different places, and beliefs bring something wonderful to the table.  I love it.  I love everything I learn about different cultures and people and languages.  Saying that I don’t see color is like negating them.  I’m so on a tangent now. lol  K…back to animals… the one thing I cannot support?  Pit Bulls.  I know they have a right to life as everything else does… but people have them and treat them wrong and they bite…but they don’t JUST bite, they can’t let go!!  And children are getting bitten.  I just can’t do it.  When I see them on the street I don’t think…aw…sweet puppy, I get nervous.  I would love to love them and support them, but I have children (grown up now) and I’ve felt the terror of those dogs nearing my child(ren)… and these dogs terrify me.  I think Rottwiellers have the same effect on me…but only because one bit me.  I love dogs.. really, I do.  I remember years ago, German Sheppards had the same label.  They were fierce..but we don’t hear that now.  Maybe it will be the same with pitbulls…but for now?  I agree they should be banned.  I think that sometimes, animals are animals.. they do what they know and it’s inherent.

Ok, I’m done. lol – no, no I’m not. lol

Should muzzles be enforced on all dogs when they are outside?  They have to put muzzles on Pits in Toronto already.  I feel so bad for them, though… they’re animals… they should be free and yet humans put contraptions on their faces.. can’t make going for a walk much fun.

And I agree – even from the owner’s point of view – they should all wear them.  When people would ask if they could pet my dog I would say no… she was very friendly, but she was a dog.  And dog’s bite.  lol  You never know when or why – what sets them off.  So why chance it?  Your dog is put down if it bites someone…

But that aside…. when they are at home – if there are children… and especially children with faces that are level with a dog’s face… if a dog chooses to bite them – the child will squeal, or scream…and now they’ve become a squeaky toy… and prey… and if it’s a pit – they can’t let go if they even want to – and you can’t make them.

They just plain scare me.  I saw one once on a talk show…the owner was dangling it off a branch… it bit the branch and couldn’t let go. Shudder.

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