I haven’t been here in a long time. I’m still doing all I did before… Only two jobs and one volunteer. The long distance relationship.. well, it’s busy and painful and beautiful. It might not end well. I do love him. The police tell me they have arrested my dad… I guess he isn’t allowed to leave the country and has to go to court to set a date. This will take a long time. I wonder if he will live that long. Thing is… if he just admitted it… I’d have closure. I guess … him being charged again, same charge – is a bit of closure. It’s the world saying ok, we know it happened and the process has begun to make amends. But no one can make amends for what he did. No one can fix it. 17 years of abuse… I’ve been living with / through… I kid myself if I think it hasn’t affected my world. What do I want? I never wanted jail time for him… just help.. but there is no help for that. So I don’t know.
I’m living in a warehouse. I’m probably going to be homeless at some point. The city says we aren’t allowed to live here.. but I love it here. My day consists of biking to an apartment to shower… handwashing dishes in cold water, carrying buckets of water up and down. Of wondering when I’m going to be homeless .. and my cat too. I wasn’t stable enough to have a pet.. but she was left to me, so I have her and love her.
I’m really shitty with money. It’s not the end of the month yet and I’m broke. lol
I drink too much. I think I have to quit. I’m destroying myself. I’m destroying my relationships. I’ve decided to look up Al-anon meetings tomorrow… it’s my first step. I should be in AA and IA… but one step at a time.
Basically I’m a mess and I don’t even know why I’m writing except to get it out.
It’s been a horrid week… I saw a dog get killed and my friend’s mom died on her birthday and all the rest. I don’t know.
That’s all for now. Maybe later I can write something more important.